| A Wednesday in May. |
[May. 25th, 2012|03:02 am] |
I haven't been having the best time spiritually. Perhaps it's the uncertainty of what the future holds, mixed with restlessness. Everything seems pointless and meaningless and I am just making ends meet by holding a part-time job selling clothing and doing some freelance design work. No passion, no zeal, no fervent desires that I had just a while ago.
There is nothing too huge about this, just a season of dryness. I do everything just the same. But Christianity is more than just about behaving with utmost propriety. Something was dying in me, my soul was parched and my heart was withering.
And there has been of course, a lot of fear. Knowing me, fear always has to be involved.
Then came last Saturday, when I broke down, unable to say the words "Your plans are to prosper me and not to harm me" out loud as I repeated after Hannah, who led me in prayer. Then came Monday and Tuesday, two languid days spent in placid respite. I really needed that. And then came Wednesday, when I finished up the last of my bible study and read God's Word. God's Word. You'd think they're just words, but they aren't. They are living, and truly transforming.
Wednesday, that Wednesday when I went for a run and everything felt so different. There was such strange, inexplicable joy. I was actually smiling as I was running. Wednesday, when I received a lovely gift from two friends.
It isn't just the smiley face with the yellow nose, painted with acrylic paint. Nor the brown package. I held the present in my hands along with my novel, and I was secretly smiling to myself all the way home as I gazed at the square faced, round nosed creature smiling back at me. Even without knowing what the content was I was already really happy to have received this. Just the thoughtfulness from two very treasured friends — that's more than enough.
When I opened it up to read the notes left on the brown paper, and listened to the 10 minute prayer recorded into the disc... I was swept out of the desert and into His arms again. You'd think it's just prayer, but it isn't. They were, to me, a miracle and an answer to my very own prayers, from God.
I spent three hours journalling and reading. And I went to sleep.... well, differently, that night. |
|
|
| Happy 17+4. |
[May. 22nd, 2012|05:39 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | zhou | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
Dearest Zhou,
Sometimes I randomly think of you and there are things that pop in my head that I want to tell you, but then, sometimes I forget, other times I choose not to, and they're just words left unsaid. Not important, life changing words. Just words, mere words. But words I would like to say to you. Since it's your birthday, I thought, what better time?
So I shall try to recall the various random things I sometimes want to tell you:
• For so many months of viewing Tumblr accounts, there is no fight: Yours is my favourite. I shall not attempt to explain why.
• You are a great listener. One of the best listeners I know. And this isn't just in one-on-one settings. Almost everytime we meet in a usual ZPGY setting, I would think that to myself.
• I love your thoughts, feelings, and the way your heart and soul behave. It's scarily similar to mine, although I have never explicitly spelt it out to you.
• For the reason above, I have always seriously thought to myself that I would date you if I or you were a man.
• You're an amazing person. Terribly flawed in some areas (as we all are), but otherwise, pretty damn amazing.
• You're frighteningly human, and you show it. I love that about you.
• You like tea, and reading, and dogs. I could never dislike someone who likes these three things.
That said, I hope you have had a good birthday. From the deep depths of my heart I really wish you all the blessings I can muster. Cheers to being twenty-one. And just between us, cheers to being a twenty-one year old human.
Love,
Jo
|
|
|
| He knows. |
[May. 1st, 2012|03:39 am] |
My parents are away in Bangkok, and have been sleeping with my sister on their bed. It feels really nice. We talk, laugh, and I apply moisturiser.
Tonight's the last night before their return. It feels really good to be sitting here in the dim orange light, my sister wrapped in her rocking horse and teddy bear printed blanket and me in my plain seafoam green one, legs propped on my Tom and Jerry bolster.
Not really thinking much because I'm having a slight headache, but feeling some strange things in my heart.
The very comforting knowledge that makes me feel safe, comforted and alright: He knows. God does. He knows.
And now, on to one of the best, most precious and beautiful things to do: sleep. (Safe, comforted and alright, at that. Because He knows)
|
|
|
| Hello April. |
[Apr. 4th, 2012|02:36 am] |
The past few days I had were spent in Cameron Highlands, with five beautiful girls with whom I have shared the final days of March. Hearing their thoughts and testimonies have been nothing short of amazing and encouraging. It was like… For a few moments, we were standing, heart to heart and soul to soul, bound with the love of Christ.
March has ended splendidly; I could not ask for a more terrific way to end the month. A new quarter begins, bringing the first of 2012 to a close.
I am excited for April. As God's plans, both small and big, unfold according to His will and time, I discover more and more of His goodness and His unending love for me. Here are some things to look forward to (and some which I hope to accomplish) this April:
• Finish reading Midnight's Children
• Finish reading Henri Nouwen's books
• Begin the mentoring sessions
• Plan for the Ipoh and China mission trips
• Hit 18km in my runs, in preparation for the Sundown Half-Marathon
• Learn to play the ukelele
• Pray more
• Spend more time with God
• Eat Cedele muffins
• Try three new places to eat at
• Finish the roll of film and have it developed
And now, off to sleep at 3 a.m. on the fourth of April. |
|
|
| I missed, I failed... I trust. |
[Apr. 3rd, 2012|06:15 pm] |
My first test date was on 23 January. I did not get to take that because I stupidly left my wallet in the office, with my Provisional Driving License and my I.C. in it. Dennis was such a darling and immediately got in a cab in the crazily heavy rain, went back to my office, and came back. Twelve minutes was too late to be not too late, and I missed the test. I was so upset with God, because I knew He could have made things work, but He didn't.
The earliest test was in April, and I booked the 3 April one. Today is 3 April. Today, I failed. I could not understand why, because the thing I was most afraid of did not happen: I didn't mount any kerbs. My tester was strict: 2 points here and 4 points there, this turn too wide and that turn too sharp. These small mistakes added up and I failed. $220 gone, again. I have spent so much time and money and it truly, really felt absolutely terrible.
I put on my headphones, listened to Made Me Glad by Hillsong, and I started to cry and cry. It might be that my period is just round the corner and I am exceptionally emotional (at least more so than I usually am, which is quite a bit to begin with) and I was so frustrated and angry and disappointed and even hurt.
"I knew You would do this to me God. I knew you're just unfair to me. You're always refining me and putting me through trials and tests and all this nonsense. I'm probably the one you'd pick to wait around until I'm 35 seeing all my friends get married (and You know, You know more than anyone else this is my biggest dream) and I'd not even be attached, for the sake of this refining and purifying business. Why, God? Why? Can You just take my life now living on earth and constantly being tested, this is too hard for me to bear. There's just too much crap for this soul to take, okay?"
These thoughts were running through my mind and I cried as I wrestled with God and sang His praises at the same time. I'm not even sure how that was possible, but it did happen.
In the end, who wins? He always does. I'm at home now, going to grab a bag of cut apples before heading to the missionary's house for a meeting.
I guess the point of all that has happened today is not so much my failure. Before the test I told God, if I fail, you're still in control. And perhaps this would teach me how to encourage and comfort people in future. You're sovereign and I trust you no matter what happens.
And this it is now my turn to carry out that promise I made, the promise to trust and surrender. And I do. I do, not because I am great and awesome, as the above has explicitly proven otherwise. I do, because He is good. I have booked the next test, and I thank God is before July when I leave for China and when I have to pay to renew my school enrollment.
God does take care of my heart. And even though I am still not distinctly sure why I failed the way I did, I'll sing His praises and I'll trust and I'll surrender (Cue: Blessed Be Your Name).
And, I think I look silly, but I'm smiling as I am typing this on my Macbook.
|
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
etherrrrreal's journal
listless
